Caytlyn

Okay. This journal is going to be where I post all my RL stuff--I don't want to junk up caytlyn anymore with Rl stuff, because that is my fandom journal, which I still don't use much anymore. Overall, though, LJ is still my preferred weblog place--MySpace just isn't the same.

Feel free to friend either (or both) of my journals if you so wish. This way, I can keep my stuff separate, and not annoy the fandom-friends with RL blather, you know?

Peace. Out.

Cayt

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't me... then everything might be a lot easier. Then, I stop to consider my life as a whole, only to see that my life is full of a HECk of a lot less drama than everyone else's. SO, then again, sometimes, it's not so bad. I just wish I could stop thinking for once... it's rather aggravating.

I just want to break down and cry so badly right now. Why the FUCK is the world SCREWING with me? I'm so angry, depressed, sad, and stressed all at the same time, I just want to start hurting myself. I KNOW it's not my fault this time, so what the absolute FUCKING hell?

Sorry for the language. I try not to curse so much anymore, but this just takes it. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep and hope to hell I wake up in the morning and find out that this is all some sort of really, really cruel joke. If it is, the person responsible is going to DIE, because this is NOT FUNNY. Not when I was this openly stressed about it to begin with.

Anyway, bed time.

I did okay in the singles tournament... should have done better, though. The thing that kept screwing me over was that the table here is only a six foot... and I am definitely used to a nine-foot, so I keep putting too much force on everything. That kind of sucked.

Duobles tournament was last night. That went a lot better... it was hilarious, because I ran the table for two games. It was hilarious... the team of guys I was playing against didn't like that too much.

Definitely almost slept through my first final this morning, because the stupid roomie turned my alarm off. AGAIN. I was NOT pleased.

Anyway, off to class now... it's cold outside and windy. I don't like it. A longer entry later, I think... maybe. Who knows anymore?

Well, tonight should definitely be interesting... In the middle of writing half a million finals papers, I have the intramurals pool tournament tonight... maybe I should have compared my schedules a little better beforehand.

I don't know, I'm okay at pool, but... the thing that has me nervous is that I'm the only girl in the singles tournament. It seems I am the only girl doing a lot of things around here, which makes me wonder exactly how much of a tomboy I am. Or am not. I don't know anymore... I guess pool tournaments are more of a guy thing, but you know, I enjoy it. That's all that should really matter about it.

Anyway, so I'm hoping I do well. My dad was trying to scare me out, telling me that football players are usually good at pool (my first match is with a football player), but I think I made him think about that when I told him that that was a logical fallacy of a statement.

I'm nervous... and I don't like that. It's just a stupid game... so why do I feel so nervous about it? I guess I just don't want to make a fool of myself, which, by all hope, I shouldn't... I normally don't. **hides** I hate this nervous-tummy feeling.

Back at home for the week... this should be interesting. I get to listen to the incessant fighting of the family, and, joy of joys, I get to clean the house for them, because after I left, apparently they all forgot how to clean. It also doesn't help that my mom doesn't feel well, so... yeah.

Overall, this week should be interesting.

Oh, and sidenote, guys are confusing. If I can get an insider's view, that would seriously be a heaven-send.

Now, to go chill and watch a movie while eating ice-cream... and waiting for a friend to call me back.

Fellow Dubuque college people, feel free to call me-- I love distractions from my family drama!

Peace. Out.

I just... I don't know anymore. I feel like such a jerk... especially because guys are apparently flirting with me, and I don't even notice. I've never been good with this kind of thing. How do I explain I am truly not interested in a relationship AT ALL right now, when no one believes me?

"Oh, everyone says that. But come on, you're a teenager."

So? I mean, I think I would know whether or not I am interested in dating right now, right? Apparently not...

Well, tonight was fun while sucking at the same time. I was hanging out with a bunch of friends, and the nerve in my shoulder started pinching. It hurt like none of your business, and one of the guys I was hanging out with started giving me a massage to try and help me out. Well, another guy got *jealous* that the first was massaging me, so end result? Both massaging me at once, and man, was I awkward. I... I hate this.

Why can't I just be friends with a guy without having to worry about this? Why do I have to feel like a huge jerk because I don't see this? I hate hurting people's feelings in any way, shape, or form, so... yeah.

I give up, here, God. I don't want this anymore... it's keeping me from where I need to be. Help me, please, someone...

Speech-Off tomorrow, as well. I hope to do well... should be easy, but... yeah. Prayers and well wishes accepted. I'm nervous, even though I try to play it off. i mean, I got into this thing without even trying, but now, if I want to win, does this mean I should worry? What does this mean for me?

I'm gonna try to sleep while taking Tylenol. My head is too full.

Man, I am in an insanely good mood right now... I love this feeling. Why can't I feel as if everything is perfect more often?

I just learned that the speech I gave on Monday (the one that I woke up late for, sprinted to class, and delivered literally five minutes after I woke up) was the best in the class; not only did I get an A, but I was chosen by the teacher to represent the class in the University Speech-Off, where one speech is chosen from each class to be re-delivered, only filmed and judged by a panel of judges. The winner gets a monetary prize...

I'm still in amazement, because the class started at 10, I woke up at 10, and gave my speech from 10:05-10:10 (because it's timed). Not bad for a speech that I gave when I was barely awake...

That, and I am going to Trans-Siberian Orchestra when they come to my hometown over Christmas Break... yay! I went last year, and it was amazing, so I can't wait to go again this year.

I am so bouncy... I know later I'm probably not going to be anywhere near as happy, but for now, even that thought of cynicism can't deflate my mood... **bounces**

I missed another LJ out-age? No wonder I couldn't get on... I thought it was just my computer.

I remember the famous out-age of 2004... now those were good times, when my RP girls and I were waiting it out on MSN, sporking LJ to death and beyond for depriving us of our games. I miss RPing so much...

And wow, this is so not doing my homework, but that's okay. Went home for the weekend, only instead of relaxing or anything, you know, normal, ended up cleaning the house for my family, which has apparently completely fallen apart after I left. Ugh. My mother's depressed, my youngest sister's a brat (so much so I wanted to just backhand her), my other sister's still a hermit, and my father doesn't even know what to do to fix things. Everything seems to fall further apart while I'm not there... so, when I go home, I clean the house for them, hoping they'll try harder...

Sometimes, I feel like I should have stayed home instead of going away to school; maybe things wouldn't be so bad at home, you know?

Had random fun last night making no-bake cookies with Paula... though it makes me wonder; are they still cookies if they're no-bake? 'Cause you don't cook 'em...

Ahem. Anyway, so those went a little smoother than the pumpkin seeds... aside from the opening of a can using keys... or the flinging cookies at my roommate by accident... or the forgetting of wax-paper so the cookies didn't stick t the plate... oops.

Maybe I'm not meant for this whole 'baking' thing. I seem to make a mess of everything in a way only I can x_x

Other than that, we are having random searches of the rooms in my dorm hall tonight... apparently, some moron brought an air-soft gun and was firing it inside the hall. You can see all the little pellet-y thingies on the ground inside the doors and stuff. So, all the rooms are going to be searched tonight. Goody.

And something I nicked from killerweasel...

What American accent do you have? Your Result: Philadelphia Your accent is as Philadelphian as a cheesesteak! If you're not from Philadelphia, then you're from someplace near there like south Jersey, Baltimore, or Wilmington. if you've ever journeyed to some far off place where people don't know that Philly has an accent, someone may have thought you talked a little weird even though they didn't have a clue what accent it was they heard.
The Midland
Boston
The Northeast
The Inland North
North Central
The South
The West
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

Heh, no surprise, really, considering I grew up in Philadelphia. Or, you know, Filth-adelphia, as my dad called it before we moved. Yay, Philly!

Yum, those pumpkin seeds turned out pretty well. No, we did not manage to screw up the actual seeds... the adventure was the trip to Wal-Mart. Paula and I tried to take a short cut from Clarke to Wal-Mart, but that short cut ended up taking us the long way.

Long way, as in, out-of-town-and-back-into-town long way. It was actually hilarious, because we seriously had no idea where we were, and people kept calling, wanting to hang out with us, but we had to tell them we couldn't because we had no idea where we were.

So, the supposedly 10 minute long trip ended up taking close to an hour. Oops...

But, on Wednesday, we are going to make candy cookies! Which, fortunately, I picked up stuff for while we were in Wal-Mart, so I don't have to mess with that again! After that, we shall take over the world with our various goodies we make at random times make other random goodies. Yay!

Now, off to enjoy my spoils from the excursion...

Heh... I just got back from one of my friend's houses, where we proceeded to carve pumpkins, before transforming one pumpkin into the equivalent of a flamethrower, courtesy of Red Zone body spray. :-D

I managed to collect a nice chunk of the pumpkin seeds (there were four of us carving), and tomorrow, pulabean and I are going to roast them--I haven't had roasted pumpkin seeds in forever. I can't wait!

Meanwhile, though, that process of washing them? Man, that really hurts my back, because I had to bend over a sink for 45 minutes to wash all of them (I have scoliosis amongst other back problems, so this kind of sucked). If this is a preview of what it's going to be like when I get older, I'm going to seriously shoot myself the day after I turn 40. That way, I can just skip that stage of my life.

Besides that, though, yay pumpkin seeds! Even I shouldn't be able to screw this up, right? We should be able to do this pretty easily tomorrow :)

I dunno... I just feel like a complete jerk this week, because my roommate feels the need to complain about me behind my back to everyone else around, without mentioning even a single thing to me.

Just like how she's trying to trade me for a different roommate without even *mentioning* it to me. She's got *my* freaking life planned for me, but... **screams** I heard from someone else that my roomie not only plans to have me move to a different residence hall at semester, but to have one of her friends move in, because her friend's roomie is leaving, and her friend can't afford to pay for a single room.

I am not moving. She cannot kick me out of the room, and I think it's jut rude that she's planning all of this without even talking to me. She's even talked to one of my other friends about me moving in with her at semester. UGH.

My roommate also keeps complaining about how I need two alarms to wake up in the mornings. She *doesn't get it* that I need them; I don't hear just one or the other. I made a deal with her a couple of weeks back that I would turn one off if she would promise to make sure I woke up.

After I missed my entire week of classes, I turned the second one back on.

So she complains, but do I once even mention that it's annoying how she talks to her bf until 2 in the morning every day? Or how it's annoying that she feels the need to criticize everyone in sight? She seriously acts like she's perfect and like she has any right to criticize everyone, then turn around and act all high and mighty as a Christian. I've known that she's very snobbish when it comes to selecting friends (in fact, she has a grand total of one), but I thought we were on good terms. I should have suspected when she started cutting others down, I guess.

Either that, or I am just a complete and total jerk, and no one has bothered to tell me. Who knows, maybe everything I have ever believed about myself is wrong. I always thought I was considerate nice, polite, caring, and a fun person to hang around with, but... I could be wrong.

I hate this constant questioning of myself. I hate this headache I've had for *three freaking days* now that won't *go away*.

Who would have thought that knowing my roomie hates me could hurt so much?

So... it's kinda cold and rainy, and I really don't feel like doing anything. However, I still have two papers to write... they can wait, right? Esepcially the 25 page one due Monday, right? Right?

Mm, I felt like posting some random pictures of my new life here at UD. I still need to get pics of my actual dorm room and campus, but that's up next.

( Meanwhile, here's some pictures of me on campus... )

Anyway, I just got bored, therefore, I post pictures. I promised someone I would show them photos of me, so, here ya go. I normally don't photo well, so these are the best I could find of me.

This is endlessly amusing... especially when I'm supposed to be studying for mid-terms. How high a score can you guys get?

I give up. Apparently, my mother really didn't want me to go back up to college today--even though I *told* her I had a meeting at 6. Well, it's 6 now, and I'm still at home: an hour from college.

I am so freaking mad right now; this entire weekend, with the exception of Friday night, has sucked. Everything that could go wrong, DID.

I was leaving for UD at 4:30 (it takes an hour to get there), and I get ten miles from home, only to realize I left my license at home. So, I pull over, and have my dad run it to me real quick. I drive for another ten miles, so I'm just going to make my meeting on time, and realize that my keys to the dorm building aren't in my bag. I put them in my bag. Meaning? Someone took them out.

I get a call from my mom, saying I left my lanyard with a bunch of weird keys on them on the table. Oh, and the electronic key fob I need to get in the freaking building? "I figured out it's not a whistle, Cayt." **screams**

Gah! I told them I needed to be back up there by 6, and they were complaining about not getting to see me for very long. Well, hey, not my fault! I have things going on. And they didn't get back to the house from the littlest sister's thing until 3.

I just feel like crying, because on top of everything else that totally sucked yesterday and today, this is too much. I thought I actually needed to come home, not to sit by myself 'cause everyone forgot to tell me that the other sister had plans, too. Last I was told, she didn't. I was going to hang out with someone, but he totally blew me off, and everyone else is out of town.

Oh, and for the record, guys suck. Especially when you fall in love with them and manage to let them kill you over and over every time.

This freaking sucks. I drove the hour home from college this morning, because I was told that I needed to be home with my middle sister, who's only 16 and not old enough to stay the weekend home by herself. Well, that's all fine and good. I drive home, and find out that, "Oops, oh, by the way, I have a slumber party to go to tonight. So, I'm only here for a couple of hours, and won't be back until sometime tomorrow afternoon."

Which, coincidentally, is when my parents are supposed to be home. Meaning, I drove all this way for nothing. No one else is home, the nearest friend I have is busy, so... I'm sitting here, bored as all hell and going crazy. A lot. And the cat keeps trying to bite me.

Ugh... and the reason I can't go back up tonight is because, on the way home, my brakes started acting funny. I might need more fluid or something, I guess, because they worked, you just have to push the pedal harder than usual, which sucks coming down a short off-ramp while flying along at 75 MPH.

**bangs head** I'm so bored, I'm seriously about ready to just go driving around and see what happens. Nothing, more than likely, but still.